and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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