Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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