I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
