Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
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Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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