I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You may now shotgun with the bride
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
