she woke up with a sticky ear
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
