Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
as a side note pls kill me
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
