I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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