So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
