i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
