Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
