i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
