i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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