Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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