I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
