respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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