I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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