Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My dad just said "fuck circus"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
