Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
