Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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