i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you made out with another girl for some wings
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
