FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
