Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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