yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
