So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
