The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
