a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.