I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm passing your future prison.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
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What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I AM VODKA MAN
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell