Jerry, you need to find god
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
