Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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