I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
