my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
