i may or may not be watching the land before time
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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