I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
