Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
