What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
