you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
