I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
