I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
