Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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