I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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