mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
