It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
