yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
your parents love me but you hate me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
