I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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