I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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