I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
