She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
