Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I didn't notice because vodka
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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