New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
