I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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