yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
