I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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