i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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