And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
